swirling. mental tornadoes. this is hard. ah how i wish to have you...how i wish to be with you. circumstances, like a thousand caltrops scattered in a battlefield, deny my wish to follow what i feel. i dont think im ready. such a burden. im afraid. i dont want to get hurt, and i definitely dont want to hurt anyone. im afraid that if we push through now, we might run straight into shards of broken hearts. its too painful. as painful as denying myself of you. as painful as waiting. but i think its rational, its rational to wait. as iv said, i think its better to wait for something really special than to force it just to find out that it could've been a lot better if it was allowed to bloom on its own rather than to force its petals out. i respect your decision. burn the grass before sowing new seeds. i respect and appreciate your display of maturity. i grant you my trust. a word of caution, it is very very fragile. i also accept ur trust. i will honor it. i will keep it safe and rest assured it is in good hands. i hope the waiting ends fast. i remain skeptical though. contradictions. i'm full of it. grrr... im confused about the term itself. "love". who defines it? how could anyone tell? such hard words to come by. im afraid to commit. i cant bare the thought of not being there when you need me the most. im afraid because i cant bare losing someone as precious as yourself. but waiting, although its the rational solution, will also cause great anxiety. impatience. pain. everything is linked. how i seek refuge from the confusion. i question myself. through what mystery, or jesting, do i lose all fear and anxiety? when does it feel right? and again it hits me, being with you dissipates confusion, removes the fear. being with you simply feels right...

confused? well so am i
oh well..

waiting....