my life, i just realized, is just a collection of sad efforts to fill voidsthat suddenly open up inside me, threatening to devour everything and nothing all at once. sudden attacks of depression always kept me sharp back there. i miss that place. i miss a lot of things. difficult but not impossible. im more stable now (i guess and i definitely hope so). quite amazing how a few films make one realize a lot. i feel like im pretending.i can never imagine going blind. that would be hell for me. making your way through by desperately trying to FEEL things. but that is what im doing (and probably HAVE done) now. im desperately trying to grab a hold of something. something very slippery. catfish slippery. asking questions without answers. my interest has faded away. drifting to some other poor souls' mind. such a drag. wasting time scribbling notes. listening to oldstuff. that's another problem, old stuff. im stuck with old stuff. i wantto reinvent but im way too preoccupied with thinking right now. some insecurities are surfacing again much like a few pimples near my forehead.im still waiting for a reply. time check: 12:06am, aug 17, tuesday. im getting kinda sleepy. still no reply. maybe i didnt make myself clear.i never do that. i dont want to. finally, a reply. news about old people in er life. insignificant. chances are looking pretty slim. haze. kindablurred. i wish it would clear itself out soon. problems solvingthemselves. now THAT is a miracle.

-out