im looking for a new skin right now. tired of the old one. if everything bad and stale was as easy to replace as a blogskin, then everything would be fine in an instant. no need for distractions. im bored, reluctant and definitely in need of a jump start. wandering around looking for something interesting but still failing to see anything of use. i feel sick. and sad. no more words. no more thoughts. this is just too calm for comfor, but i guess these days really do come. the only thing bothering me is its frequency. it has become quite often. dad gave me work. he said im gonna be his draftsman. JET just logged in to yahoo. il end this now. gonna chat with my friend. yaw ko na.

nakakatamad. balik tayo sa high school.

end

oh well. got a few minutes to spare. iv got a quiz today at exactly 11:30am (time check: its already 10:20 am). havent even browsed some notes yet. formulas in my pocket. that should be enough. teach' got my number yesterday. it was eerie and quite awkward. brrrr.... my sis made fun of it. i think teach' is kinda disturbed and lonely. probably sick of teaching. anyway, enough with that. a few mistypes and bam, hell breaks loose. i guess no one ever has a solid idea of what im talking about. everyone is free to guess. blah blah blah.

runningandrunningandrunningfastfaster
andfasterandfasternoworriesnoguiltnosh
amenohonorthenfallingandtumblingandfa
dingawayintonothingbutsomethinghappe
nsandhurtshurtssobadthatyoucantimagin
ehowimusthavefeltorhoworwhatiwasfeeli
ngbeforeisaidanythingnooneexpectedthis
nooneexceptmeihatethisfeelingbutidonot
hateyouoranythingitsjustthatimacowardb
utnoonereallycaresboutanythingexceptw
hattheywanttosayorfeelordobutitdoesnt
matternoweverythingendswejustendeda
littleearlierthanexpectedandiunderstand
whathadhappenedhappenedforareasonbu
treasonsarestupidandsoamiijusthatewaki
ngupfeelingdeadseeingiloveyouandfeeling
nothing

nothing.

been a while. anyway, nothings new, a few scuffles here, a few bruises there, some depression fits here, some sad events there. nothing much.

poem:

snapping branches
pains and twitches
no gain pitches
sluggish witches
trampling wretches
rabid itches
juicy peaches
blood suckin' leeches
broken pieces
angry bitches
thieving finches
no one flinches
frog filled ditches
ill fated Mitches
teacher teaches
endless trenches

poetic trash

say what you want to say. nobody hears you anyway.

my life, i just realized, is just a collection of sad efforts to fill voidsthat suddenly open up inside me, threatening to devour everything and nothing all at once. sudden attacks of depression always kept me sharp back there. i miss that place. i miss a lot of things. difficult but not impossible. im more stable now (i guess and i definitely hope so). quite amazing how a few films make one realize a lot. i feel like im pretending.i can never imagine going blind. that would be hell for me. making your way through by desperately trying to FEEL things. but that is what im doing (and probably HAVE done) now. im desperately trying to grab a hold of something. something very slippery. catfish slippery. asking questions without answers. my interest has faded away. drifting to some other poor souls' mind. such a drag. wasting time scribbling notes. listening to oldstuff. that's another problem, old stuff. im stuck with old stuff. i wantto reinvent but im way too preoccupied with thinking right now. some insecurities are surfacing again much like a few pimples near my forehead.im still waiting for a reply. time check: 12:06am, aug 17, tuesday. im getting kinda sleepy. still no reply. maybe i didnt make myself clear.i never do that. i dont want to. finally, a reply. news about old people in er life. insignificant. chances are looking pretty slim. haze. kindablurred. i wish it would clear itself out soon. problems solvingthemselves. now THAT is a miracle.

-out

holy mackarel. my fuckin stomach's killing me. no, i aint shitty or anything. acid jamboree perhaps. man this hurts! kremil-S worked quite fine a while ago. (about 8 hrs ago). fuck my stomach's really hurting bad. damned. anyway, enough whining. i watched CANT HARDLY WAIT a while ago. its a cool teen flick. stereotypes and all that crap. it was shallow but it touched on the topic of fate. not that i was bothered or touched (or engrossed in Jennifer Love Hewitt's not so impressive appearance), but the movie felt great. it was light and quite refreshing. DHARMA was there (dharma and greg show). she was definitely attractive. blah...welk...anyway, my winamp was playing duncan sheik a while ago. frankly, i'd say he sucks. his songs arent good at all. that guy needs some serious changing (or luck) to stay in business. oh boy. stomach-hurting-again-must-rest-a-few-minutes-

-cannot-endure...

-out!!!%@#$%!#^@!!!!!

this is the poem that i talked about a few bloggin' nights ago. enjoy it as much as my filone prof did. personally, i think it's crap. but it sure gave me an ego boost. oh well, enjoy kids!

a boy and a box
by eLivator (im starting to like that nick)

a boy one day came across a box
fumbled around and played with the box
the happy boy toyed with the empty box
no sign of worry or guilt, he dropped the box
then something rolled from out of the box
tumbled and rolled away from the box
such an oddity! a wonderful box!
surprising yet still nothing more than a box
in awe and amusement the boy kicked the box
but again there tumbled a box from the box!
the boy looked with wonder at the tumbling box
still amused and engrossed with the stupid box
again the boy played with the beaten box
no fear nor hesitation, no care for the box
but something tickled the boy's fancy for the box
curiosity dared him to look in the box
he angled himself and peered in the box
what ghastly magic exists in the box?
what evil lurks inside such a simple looking box?
then the boy froze when he peered in the box
unmoving and dead, stiff as a box
do you want to know what he saw in the box?
a boy frozen stiff, dead inside the box

post your comments please. id like to hear your ideas about this poem. thanks. huh?!

throwing words into a melting pot of thoughts and feelings. no target.no point. the fact of the matter is that i am nothing more than a subject.such revelries and fantastically modified strobes of white light.tubes and globes. nothing matters. and this isnt coded. dreaming ofwhispersilks and unimaginable nothings. such annoyances these feelings are. i wish to touch the clouds if only i weren't afraid to climb. no onewants to climb, but everyone wants to touch. elusive. unkind. shimmeringand wild. such is peace of mind. a trickster at heart. never resting. always moving. a witness to the collapse. no one enjoys pain. throbs and spasms. unbearable. to wake in the middle of the night just to spew andthrow up. i want to go. i want to leave. confinement. i resent it. trapped and misdirected. paths hidden, no maps, not even policemen. nevermind. a wonderful word. after everything said, end with nevermind. its wonderful to know that such words can be written to form random spoof.another idea from the old box. nothing new. nothing grand. nothing moreeverything less. it all ends. eventually. eventually. such talks. nonsense.its all nonsense. i wish it would stop. then again, maybe i dont want it tobut again, eventually it will. a few more words. and then none.
nevermind.

a stone's throw from sanity
-eLiv

i threw some stones
it hit you
i planned it
it hit you hard
harder than expected
you bled
i cried
no one died
no one dies
at least none will die tonight
you threw stones too
you missed
at point-blank you missed
at point-blank no one misses
unless intended
unless planned
you planned it
you planned this
so that it would look dead
but its not dead
if you want it dead then kill it
kill it
kill it in front of me
if you cant, then just shut up
i could kill it for you
but you'd have to leave my sight
no turning back
now is right now
nothing to lose
regret is just a word
kill it
no room for hesitation
kill it
set yourself free
its already dead anyway
dont forget to thank me later
im waiting...

im surrounded by massochists. (and some hedonists and sadists)

a secret: Although easily amused, i am quite difficult to convince. Skepticism is a built in "reflex" in my system. Quite odd really.

people are amusing. not totally interesting, but quite amusing. if i were an alien life form who was sent here to observe humans, i'd probably be crazy. why? cos humans are just plain weird.
people tend to hurt themselves quite a lot. take loving for example. people labeled "attachment" as love. some stupid asses even labeled "fucking" as love. love is ambiguous and quite disruptive. many a slumbooks ask the famous "what is love" question. no one gets the correct answer. (except the dumbass who wrote this down : "love is a four letter english word." nice going einstein.) It's a lot of fun to think about how love works. I myself am still trying to grasp the whole concept. But this blog aint about me or her, this is about people in general (i got the "GENERAL" idea from you).

Let's face it love hurts. it hurts during the time frame, after and even before. It has many cases.

1) he loves her,she has problems, no one talks, they marry-divorce, then leave the kids to die.
2)he loves her, she loves another him, he stops dead in his tracks and takes all the pain.
3)he loves her, she never loved him, he still allegedly loves her, she doesn't care.
4)he doesnt love her, she thinks he loves her, they try to compromise. she kills him.
5)he does love her, she loves him back, he lives in france, she lives in indonesia. internet. tsk tsk
6)he loved her, she screwed up, he rejects her, she becomes famous, he loves him again.
7)he loves him, she loves him, she loves her, he loves her, what are they?
8)he loves her body, she loves his muscles, they fuck, she has a baby, he denies it, she proves it, he accepts , they wed, they break up, fight over the kid, she takes the top half, he takes the legs
9)he loves her, she doesnt say a word, he's confused, she assures him a little, he's still quite hesitant, she still hasn't declared her feelings, he waits, she holds, (this one's open-ended)
10)he loves her, she loves another she, he falls for the her that she has eyes for and they eventually fuck each other in a hot tangle of three bodies. usual porn flick.

blah.

i hate my internet connection. it sucks big time. why? a poem was written a few minutes ago. upon clicking on "publish" the whole entry vanished. oh hell. anyway...im in my writing mode anyway so its fine.

here we go again...

-the redo undo theory-

blink think blink think
another second ticks tick tick
time passes quick quick quick
no time to waste think think think
drink a lot of water drink drink drink
i like the sound of "blink"
hear it aloud BLINK BLINK BLINK!
why are you ready this stupid thing?
ur wasting time! tick tick tick!
dont just read, think think think!
and dont forget to drink drink drink
drink water everyday.
undo.
redo.
undo.
redo.
ctrl-z.
now THAT was a really weird theory.
getche()
whoops....
didn't get it?
oh well...

-out

today went pretty good.
[time check: 09:59pm]

woke up at 5:45am. later than intended (again).
stood up.took a bath.got dressed.brushed teeth. ate. brushed teeth. routine-ish.
my dad drove me to the station. some lectures and discussions on his views on life. routine-ish.
bought a new ticket. inserted it in the slot. rode the escalator and boarded the train. routine-ish.
arrived sleepy at legarda. stepped off the train. jeepney ride to morayta. fell in line. routine-ish.
entered campus grounds. walked. walked. walked. stopped. bag check. elevator ride. routine-ish.
walked. glanced at my watch. noticed im late (again). entered classroom. somethings different...
routine broken.
yes.

[FILone - 07:00-9:00am]

i was quite bothered by the scene. oh no. i thought i wouldn't be allowed to join in. the class formed a huge circle in the room's center. i was about to go and sit on the side when my prof asked me to sit beside her. I felt quite uneasy. She took a yellow sheet of paper. It was my poem. (I'm gonna post that stupid poem after she gives it back). I thought to myself, "I'm gonna be asked to explain it!". She read the poem to the class. A few kids from that bunch slightly caught the idea behind the poem, but although my prof acknowledged "correct" interpretations, nothing they said could convince me otherwise. The poem was simply about being trapped. I'll write my explanation when I post it. Anyway, class ends.

[MATtri (geom) - 09:15-11:15am]

prof dadiz rolled in with his handy projector. we didn't use it today. seatwork on three dimensional axes. nothing complicated. finished seatwork in less than an hour. asked for permission to leave early. granted. as always. dismissed at 10:45am

[11:15am - 04:00pm]
5 hours magic break. nuff said.

[COMarts1 - 04:00pm-06:00pm]
disturbing. i left the shop at quarter to 4pm. arrived at room301 at 4:15pm. no one in the room. not one single soul. holy crap. another absence by me or by my prof? who cares? to the batcave!

[04:30pm]
back at shop. played. won. lost. beat some cats and their master. unleashed hell. let loose some crazy inmates. sold cards. waited. waited. rem arrived with domeng. we were ready to leave.

[06:00pm]
rem and domeng fetched sarj. i waited at dunkin donuts. airconditioned. comfortable. then all four of us went home.

fast forward....
[blog writing]

quite a typical day. it felt good to be praised for creativity. i really liked that poem.
a boy and a box. im the boy, life is the box. next time u'd understand.
quoting amanda bynes... "EVENTUALLY!!!!"

-out!

another thing. saw SJE's wacky class picture. a smile breaks, and then sadness. i miss my pals...

I miss high school. Sometimes I get really upset when I realize how distant each of us has become. I don’t even recall the last time I had the chance to talk with Dick. Earlier today I had a chance to chat with Jethro through YM. He now lives in Canada. We talked about high school and all the stupid things we did back then. We both miss those days. I remember recess. We’d always sit on the bleachers and just laugh about everything. It was fun. His winamp was set to “auto-repeat� playing shimmer by fuel. It was dick’s favorite song.

"too far away for me to hold...
too far away for me to hold...
guess I’ll let it go..."

I realized how depressing the song really was. The whole thought of it gave me a shlumpy mood. I wanted to just lie down and remember every detail, or re-live it if possible. I could only wish...

So I ran off to the mall.

To the batcave!

unlike most mornings, today was quite awkward. why? cos i remembered a dream. it was a long dream. a little bit longer than normal. it was weird. i'd really like to share the details but i think i'll save this one to myself (it's not THAT kind of dream). Anyway, it struck me hard. Anyway, let's move on to another subject. (bitin no?)

i love playing text twist. i was playing a while back. who am i kidding. there's nothing interesting or enticing about that stupid game. message alert message alert. who could it be? hmm...

i need a c++ program.

this is a crappy post.

-out

tangina masarap talagang magmura sa tagalog. solido kase ang dating. malutong at nakaka-adik magmura sa tagalog. kakaiba na naman ang awra (aura) ko bigla. magaling siyang sumulat sa tagalog. gusto ko ung sinulat nyang tungkol sa taguan. sana lang tamaan. kakaiba talaga. bakit kaya ang sarap magmura sa tagalog? tangina. gusto kong sumulat ng tulang tagalog. iisip muna ko saglit...eto na....eto na.......eto na........saglit lang ulit. konti na lang....saglit....eto na

maneho

beep beep sigaw ng jeep
tangina kase gigitgit ka pa
hoy tanga wala ka sa linya
gago pala talaga to e
mahirap makita kung sinong tama
madaling mapunang siya ang mali
pero parehas lang pala
mas bobo lang talaga siya
minsan ayokong magmaneho
lalo na pag ganito kagulo
mainit..buhol buhol..nakaka-ulol
parang aso minsan
nagtatatahol kahit walang tao
akala siguro may aagaw pa sa buto
butong wala nang laman
ni pagkain di na sila mabilhan
kaya ako nagmaneho
bibili kase ko ng pagkain ng aso
di ko alam kung magkano
basta dapat laging meron ako
makasarili ka pare
bitawan mo na kase
pagbigyan mo naman ung ibang dadaan
wag kang humarang dyan
dahil wala ka sa lugar
ayaw ng mga pulis sayo
alis dyan dahil para kang aso
para kang tanga dyan gago
wag ka nang magpanggap na nasasaktan ka
hindi lahat ng tao tanga
ikaw lang
ikaw lang ung tanga
bitaw na
bitaw na
bitaw na tanga
o baka gusto mo nang mamatay?

awat na.

sa mga taong makakabasa nito, sana BASAHIN nyo to. BASAHIN ng maayos, basahin ng MALALIM dahil halata namang hindi mababaw yan. tama lang. magkomento kayo. para sa inyo yan.

let's go ornithopter

enter combat phase.
[disciple]: orni-1, orni-1 do you copy
[orni-1]: bzzzt....bzzzt...krrrkkkkzzztttt....
[servitor]: orni-1 crashing...come in control
[disciple]: mission control copy. receiving damage report. resource optimization commence.
[servitor]: roger that control
[enforcer]: bzzzt...EqUiP-pInG sAlvaGed cRaNiaL pLatiNg
[atog]: decoy on course...im going in
[orni-1]: self-destruct sequence initiated, shrapnel dispersal commence
[orni-2]: roger that orni-1, initiating shrapnel dispersal sequence
[disciple]: additional firepower in range. initiating.
[atog]: come in control; problems encountered. it's a trap! fall back! fall ba...*feedback*
[disciple]: atog!? atog!? no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[servitor]: initiating additional firepower before covert atog operative destruction
[disciple]: initiated
[servitor]: resource optimization sequence activated-scanning available arsenal
[disciple]: initiating second and third shrapnel dispersal sequence
[servitor]: estimated success rate approaching 87.9%
[disciple]: activating shrapnel dispersal and additional firepower procedure, enforcer do you copy?
[enforcer]: cRaNiaL pLaTing oXidiziNg...pRocEediNg to TarGet wIth oNly 40% fiGhtiNg pOweR
[disciple]: final assault phase commence!
[servitor]: field report: 4 out of 20 hit objectives accomplished by enforcer, 3 out of 20 hits additional damage from resource optimization, 15 out of 20 hits obtained through shrapnel dispersal. target destroyed. mission accomplished. returning to base alpha-1. over and out.
[disciple]: ground command we have a problem
[servitor]: miscalculation of hits required. 6 points of damage lacking.
[disciple]: insect infestation inevitable! warning! all units fall back! arg!!!!! arrrr...!!!! a.... *feedback* kzzzt.....

[makes you wonder right?]
[exactly...]

*feedback* kzzzt....bzzzrrrttt....
-out

braveheart. what a movie. iv just finished watching it. it was great. it woke the patriot in me (huh?!). what was striking in wallace's (leading) character, was his ability to continue fighting after being betrayed not once, not twice, but three times by the very people that he so desperately counted on. it's insane. he was tortured. a single plea for mercy would've ended his agony, but he chose to shout FREEDOM instead. how courageous. i admire the man. if ever he existed. but i dont really care about that.

something's bothering me. how odd. i'm not easily rattled, at least that's what i tell myself but you'd know anyway. im chatting with jethro right now. he's one of my 2nd inner circle friends back in high school. fun, detached and indifferent, he was always an amusing character. doesn't care bout anything but very confident. great musician. i miss high school.

i dont know what's wrong. i dont know what er feelings are. i dont know zilch. but i definitely feel something from er. assurances are becoming ghastly needed during these times. im bewildered, confused and twitching. no one's forcing anyone to write on the blank sheet...write when you're ready...no need to rush...no need...definitely no need...

-out-ch!