hey, guess what? iv got 5 minutes till my 12-chapter "short" quiz! wahahaha! im so fuckin screwed! iv already read up to chapter 11 and was in high hopes until i scanned forward and saw that chapter 12 was composed of 13 pages!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! damned! so i decided to just stop reading and write a blog. hainaku. anyway, i visited some peoples blogs and read something rather disturbing...something about distance. wow, i guess comfort always comes first. anyway, i could care less. bloop bloop. i sold the solemns yesterday for a gut-wrenching price of 2300php. wow. talk about smackin'. the buyer felt glad about it anyway so i guess everyone ended up happy. i think im gonna be buildin' a green-white theme this time. goodbye to the dark powers of black. i just cant stand the idea of wraths being benched. hehehe. go figure.

-out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
whew.

shit! its 11:30!

finally the standsitll breaks. Iv been expecting this to happen sooner or later. warnings have been ignored and set aside. now i realize how many bombs have been set before hand just to make the explosion grand. they dont go off in unison, rather, their fuses have been tied together to form an insidious chain of spirit crushing instances. iv been thinkin bout the possibility of being given a little sympathy and consideration but i guess they arent capable of this. i am biased against them at this moment simply because instead of my expected reaction, the opposite occurs. life really is tricky. such a simple matter awakens a lot of hate and frustration from their side. vicious realization: i wasnt even the least bit prepared to take the beating. all i could do was distract myself. but even the distractions proved to be combustible. again they managed to bring me up to shoot me down. hope seems to be as distant as everything else. and i am soaked in fuel, just waiting, still waiting, always waiting for a match or even an ember to burn me down. i just wish i could endure until the moment that they tire,until the time that they grow tired of ignoring the problem, until the moment that they decide to understand.

but until then, i'll take the punches and force a smile. im used to it anyway.

out...

i just heard a really good opening line...

"today they asked me" (nice)

today dad asked me why i looked shlumpy. I simply answered: "Insomnia". That was my last statement for the duration of the ride. Damned, I feel bullied and dumb. Damned rhymes with Dumb. I agree with some of the things he said this is because I listen to it even if I don't want to. It was painful to be accused of not listening. I wish I haden't listened so that if ever I was accused, it wouldn't hurt. I guess i'm to blame for losing their trust. I have always been the withdrawn independent type. I can't stand the feeling of being treated as just a drone. they always tell me that they have been through hell and stuff jsut to finish their studies, that I'm lucky that I'm not a working student etc. I know how lucky I am to not have experienced what they went through, I know that I owe them a lot. In fact, I owe them everything. Im not ungrateful nor angry. I just want them to realize that I acknowledge what they mean. I just want to be trusted again. I want to be treated as a son and not as a burden. I want to help, I really do, but they don't let me. Im stuck in a cupboard. Anyone could open it anytime, but no one wants to. Maybe Im exagerating (spelling check) but I cant help but feel stupid. I dont even know what im writing anymore.

sdahfjkhasfkl;jhasl;jkfhak;sghfkasgjdfkjasgfk;asjgfk;jasgdfkj;asgdfgwipeugfpquiegfkasjbcklxasb
asiougfpqwiegfpiugasdfipjgasdjkfgaklsjgfpiwuegfpigjklasbklvjbskldjbvaskdgfipwuegfpiwugfipgas
sdjgafiukgwepifugipausgdfipgasdkjbvfkcjbvzxklbjkasdhfiahwefohwapfwpagfpusagdifgaskjbvasov
sahfl;ashf;lshkaskdfhsdhf[STRESS RELIEVER]sdfha;sdhfask;hfw[ehfr[woehfnklvzxv,zl;n;lsjf

out....

My long-awaited karma has finally arrived. and damned it hurts. my phone went someplace without my permission. the thing has a mind of its own i guess. oh well. life goes on. what's so irritating about the situation are the premonitions and signs that i shouldn't have ignored. blah!!!!!!!!! i hate it.

time to play now.

-out!

ah its a tuesday again, the smell of fresh smoke from jeepney exhaust, the bitter chill felt from an airconditioner unit directly pointed at one's nape, the boredom, oh the boredom. but i guess it aint that bad, at least i have some time to write. begin.

yesterday's dinner was a bit out of the ordinary. the dish was a bamboo shoot concoction served with some fish. ordinary. the odd thing about yesterday's dinner however, was the fact that it was fun. yep, you heard me right. it was fun. mom, dad, lil bro and sister mary and I, we were having fun. It was extraordinary cos it was only yesterday that we had the chance to laugh together as a family. We spent time talking and it really felt great. I felt my family. I wish it would occur more often, I guess planets do align themselves.

I went to bed at 12am but was able to snooze at about 2am. I hate it, but I also wonder about it. In fact, I wondered about many things last night. I thought about life and what I wanted to do with it. I thought about my principles and beliefs. I also thought about how I could force myself to sleep. It was stressful but also quite *looking for right word*.

anyway, enough of this. KAMIGAWA spoiler list is out! yeah!!!!

-out!!!!!!!

clock arms stretch out
greeting souls with a reminder
of each passing second
a push away from insanity
with no recourse, no choice
a frozen river playing in its mind
frozen stiff, unmoving
life caged underneath the ice
wanting to escape, screaming
aching to drown and overrun
visions of a better day
cloud my head to the point of misery
wallowing in pity over something
as trivial as waiting for the day
anticipating life
waiting for life
wanting to break free
wanting to breath
but to no avail
simply because

life is at a standstill

ah the blank page...it stares at me again. fortunately, i have been saving a lot of thoughts since my last post so i'm quite ready to shell all or most of em out now. where to start...hmm...recent events first. i woke up today at 6:15. my first class was supposed to be at 7am. got out of the house at 6:30, rode the train at 6:45 and arrived in school at 7:32am. I was late. I went to the class to find 3 students inside with no prof. I went in and sat there with them. they told me that the class could be dissolved, at first i was troubled, but as it sank in, i realized that i really didnt care. that's that. moving on... yesterday a lola got her leg ranover by a jeepney. a teeny little voice started shouting and badgering me saying "HOY TANGINA WAG KANG TUMAYO DYAN TULUNGAN MO YUNG LOLA!" but i was struck with the bizarre encounter that i just froze there. I was with weltsch when i saw the freakin accident. I remember looking at him as if searching for a reaction and all he said was "tsong sakay na ko ha" in a casual manner. maybe he was shock struck too or maybe he just needed to go home already. anyway, i walked away also since a lot of other people were already aiding the lola. i walked away ashamed. i kept telling myself that i couldn't do whack to help her but i knew that i couldve helped if i really wanted to. but like the sight of a naked chinita ramp model with flowing silky hair, the whole event just slipped my mind as fast as it had come. and all i could say was...

"oh well... "
*whistles*

-out!

my fuckin stomach's on a damned revolution again. damn i hate this. but i guess today will turn out great in the end. mom gave me a ride today but again she miserably failed to show me her gentle motherly side. iv gotten used to her shouting and ear crashing screams. i was lectured on how my life should be lived but as always, i let it pass through my audio tunnel unnoticed. hai, my parents always tell me to help out at doing the chores and house stuff but i dont see the point in helping if there isnt anything to fix. I wish they'd tell me what they want me to do. Expectations have always been a burden for me. I cant really make use of my free time efficiently. I made adjustments to this site as you can see and it gave me a new motivation to write. im still at the brink of depression from you know what but im slowly inching away from the edge. I guess I could distract myself more often just so I wouldnt notice how sad i really am. posting always helps though. i want to go to school already. i want to be distracted. i need my drug.
damned.

-out

my rowdyrowdysleepydowgy tux! 

yesterday was a day of struggles that turned out quite alright. I guess I'm being too critical of the events. I want to relax and just see my life at a different angle from this day forth. dramatic yes, but I really do want something new. Yesterday was a bit sad also. I never really had the chance to talk with the people I wanted to talk with. If the chance did somehow come, all that was pondered on were merely minor topics. small talk. But just the same, the trip was fine. I came hoem tired and a bit shlumpy but i was smiling and happy. Watched a movie last night and then went to sleep soon afterwards. I guess I still can't get some things out of my system. But I am hopeful. Eventually I'll get some peace of mind. But until then, let the nightmares come.

-out
-aLex

happy! today is a happy day! we're connected! yahoo! i sound like an idiot! but then who cares?! we're friends! finally! im very very optimistic about this. i wish it wud be the beginning of something really pleasant and cool. whew. i better catch up on poetry. im gonna be needing it. im starting my drafting job and im gonna be spending a lot of time connecting lines and geometric figures. my life is quite alright. 2 weeks break from school. that should be enough rest. im looking forward to being introduced to her formally. i know this that this might sound a lil cheap but i really think she's interestingly different (grammar check). anyway, if things get a wee bit fine and if my lucky moon shines through, id get a number the next time i check my friendster account. man, life rocks. it really does. yeah!!!!!!!!!

-out!

[mood : ECSTATIC!]

Carbonara is white and bland with a bit of mystery. I like eating it. Still can’t understand it though. Maybe it’s confused or isn’t paired right. I haven’t had a chance to eat it for lunch or dinner lately. I miss eating it. Cheesecake is stale. I don’t like it anymore. But it’s still nice to eat some once in a while. But it’s never going to be anything more than that. I like polo candies. It’s minty and convenient. I guess it likes being convenient too. It’s quite confusing. I guess candies can’t decide on what they want to happen or what their priorities are. I guess it isn’t a bad idea not to eat polo candies a lot. But I miss eating em. Polo candies break easily. I guess it’s natural. Breaking easily is natural. I wonder what the next chow would be. I want to know now. Now. Now. Now. I cant wait. I want to know. I want to know now. But I guess ill just have to wait and see. But until then, I guess I’ll be starving and sad. More saddened than starved. You’ll get it eventually.

have fun.