damned. i've already written a lot when the fuckin internet explorer closed. sheesh. all over again. anyway, i was talking bout my dumbass classmates in my filipino class. those asses. anyway, they're really dumb. only one kid had collegiate level IQ among the group earlier. arg. it makes me tick. anyway, i dont want to think bout it now. man i need to fan this out. right now i am in RAGE mode. i dont know why but i am. shit. i cant even stop cursing. phew. i really hate feeling like this.

experiment: being poetic in rage mode.
1...2...3...go.

talking to mirrors

look away
turn your head
or i'll turn it for you
you are nothing
a tiny lice
insignificant bastard
don't pity yourself
you're not even worth that
you have this healthy habit
of lifting yourself up
just so you could come
crashing down
you enjoy pain
you thrive in it
a smirk at a time like this
you disgust me
you filthy little insect
go away
just go
go away
or i'll shatter you myself

whiff.........phew...a little less than what i expected. and then some.
i hate this. still have a class. 20 mins. till 4pm. i need to calm myself. shhheeeesh......i dont believe this....

nevermind.

-out

oh shoot. i forgot something. how am i supposed to write it down if i forgot bout it. dont ask. anyway, whiff....dunno where to begin...today was normal. no that's not right. today i missed her. once in a while id look at my phone and wish that there was a message or even a missed call sign there. nothing. i know that iv prepared myself for this, but it seems that it didnt work. it hurts. it pulls me down. its sad. no blaming though. i understand the situation. its hard but iv foreseen it. sometimes i search for answers. eventually i stop because i cant find any. i dont know what my problem is. its just so hard to trust. im so scared. in fact, im a f**kin chicken.  this is exactly the kind of loneliness that i couldn't even begin to think about, much less bare.  is there such a thing as being accustomed to missing someone? i hope not. i missed her a lot today...a lot...sigh...she txted me a while back, i felt a lot better...she had an emergency meeting and batteries died...i understand...i replied...waiting for reply....waiting...waiting...waiting...miss call....she's probably asleep...hope so...im gonna sleep too...hope anxieties fade...watch hellsing, its a  morbid vampire-killing demon-hunting fun. enjoy.... hope there's a message wating for me in the morning...hoping...hoping...waiting...waiting...

-out

bihira ang pagkakataong to. sinisipag akong managalog mga kababayan. at walang kinalaman dito ang SONA ng pangulo kanina. trip ko lang talgang managalog. aba, mas mabilis akong magsulat pag ganito. light kase ang mood ko ngaun. kanina hindi. hai...may naisulat akong tula...para muli sa iyo iyan [kilala mu na kung sino ka =) ]  nakakatuwa dahil ambilis kong naisulat ang tula na yan. inspirado. sana magustuhan mo iyan :) matagal tagal na rin akong di nakakapagsulat ng tungkol sa ibang bagay. (pano lagi na lang ikaw ang naiisip ko *nakanaman*) pero totoo iyon. gutom na ko. parang hindi sumayad ang hamburger na binanatan namin ni bossing (si welts-is-merts) kanina sa tropical bago kami umuwi. sa totoo lang, idolo ko to. matatag kahit payat. kung gagawin siyang human shield ng mga tangkeng pandigma ng pilipinas, matagal na sana tayong WORLD power militarywise. malupit to. malupit sa sarili nya. kung alam lang ng mundo kung gaano kagulo ang mundo ng taong ang tawag sa sarili ay ang sakit ng mundo (world pain), siguro ay maiiba ang tingin nila dito. nakakapagtaka na kinakaya nyang magparaya. magparaya madalas. laging una ang iba. kakaiba ka talaga. minsan ako na mismo ang naiinis dahil kinakawawa na naman nya ang sarili nya. pero hindi katangahan yun. malasakit un. bihira un. bihirang bihira. nakakatuwang isipin na may mga tao pang gaya nya na hindi pa patay at hindi pa nababahiran ng katarantaduhang umiiral sa mundo. (hehe) astig talaga. ayoko nang managalog. next post!

i plead to your psyche
hold on...
such torment will pass
if not now
rest assured it will..
eventually...

if thoughts came alive
then we would never part
each moment's passing,
evokes such a wanting,
to touch your face..
to feel your embrace...

i long to hold your hand
hoping to quell your anxiety
such elegant handsbeauty materialized...
in silent contemplation
i wait...
ever vigilant
sensing even the slightest hint
of a presence belonging only to you

solemn as a prayer
i yield to your mercy
hold true such words
shall it never wane
till every morrow suffers its end
to endure such
fabricated pleasantries

without thee...

without thy love...

would be unthinkable...

swirling. mental tornadoes. this is hard. ah how i wish to have you...how i wish to be with you. circumstances, like a thousand caltrops scattered in a battlefield, deny my wish to follow what i feel. i dont think im ready. such a burden. im afraid. i dont want to get hurt, and i definitely dont want to hurt anyone. im afraid that if we push through now, we might run straight into shards of broken hearts. its too painful. as painful as denying myself of you. as painful as waiting. but i think its rational, its rational to wait. as iv said, i think its better to wait for something really special than to force it just to find out that it could've been a lot better if it was allowed to bloom on its own rather than to force its petals out. i respect your decision. burn the grass before sowing new seeds. i respect and appreciate your display of maturity. i grant you my trust. a word of caution, it is very very fragile. i also accept ur trust. i will honor it. i will keep it safe and rest assured it is in good hands. i hope the waiting ends fast. i remain skeptical though. contradictions. i'm full of it. grrr... im confused about the term itself. "love". who defines it? how could anyone tell? such hard words to come by. im afraid to commit. i cant bare the thought of not being there when you need me the most. im afraid because i cant bare losing someone as precious as yourself. but waiting, although its the rational solution, will also cause great anxiety. impatience. pain. everything is linked. how i seek refuge from the confusion. i question myself. through what mystery, or jesting, do i lose all fear and anxiety? when does it feel right? and again it hits me, being with you dissipates confusion, removes the fear. being with you simply feels right...

confused? well so am i
oh well..

waiting....

She wil be loved
Maroon 5

beauty queen of only 18
she has some trouble with herself
he was always there to help her
she always belonged to someone else

i drove for miles and miles
and wound up at your door
i've had you so many times
but somehow i want more

i dont mind spending everyday
out of your corner in the pouring rain
look for the girl with the broken smile
ask her if she wants to stay awhile

and she will be loved
and she will be loved

tap on my window, knock on my door
i want to make you feel beautiful
i know i tend to get so insecure
doesn't matter anymore

its not always rainbows
and butterfliesits compromise
it moves us along
my heart is full and my door's always open
you come anytime you want

i dont mind spending everyday
out of your corner in the pouring rain
look for the girl with the broken smile
ask her if she wants to stay awhile

and she will be loved
and she will be loved

i know where you hide, alone in your car
know all of the things that make you who you are
i know that goodbye means nothing at all
comes back it makes me
catch her everytime she falls

tap on my window, knock on my door
i want to make you feel beautiful
please dont try so hard to say goodbye

 

Its been a while since the last time. You're probably wondering. I am too. There are reasons. Lack of time. Lack of Motivation. Lack of problems. Lack of funds. Lack of bad days. Yep, most of them have been good. How fortunate for me. Great Song by the way. Im still absorbed by her...a really special feeling...and she will be loved...she will be...even from afar...this calls for poetry...I still cant grasp the full extent of her sudden appearance in my life. Unexpected. Pleasantly unexpected. Just In time...perfect... im still afraid. Afraid to get hurt. Afraid of the loneliness that lingers. Im still holding back. I don't want to but I am holding back. I didn't know I could type without looking at the keyboard. Im gonna see you tomorrow...im gonna see you again...I must...I simply must...simplicity. That is the dilemma. I simply wish to be with you always. I wish I could be with you always...not exactly always cos that would be impossible. I wish I could be with you a lot more. A lot more. Im writing non-sense. Well I guess this has been my trademark. Back to simplicity. I simply want you in my life. I want you to be the biggest part of it. Ah why this anxiety? Am I afraid to commit? Or am I afraid of all the practicalities? Is it not a bad decision for both of us? Should we be? Like heavenly bodies we spin. Spin in perfect harmony. Utter closeness. Yet impossibly far from each other. To see your face, to touch it, such a simply request. No feeling is greater than this. No fear is greater than this. I know that you are scared too. I want to reassure you, in fact i've already assured you, there will be no one else. Intellect tells me to wait, but the feeling resents delay. Such a dilemma...headache...toothache...finally a heartache...all this from a feeling of sudden warmth...such a beauty...such a gift...such a wonderful thing...fluttering bright in the dimmest of nights...basking me in light...flutter bright little firefly...flutter bright...

i woke up today with two messages. one from my best bud ernest and another from annuel...
 
i read ernest's message. its an invitation. he suggests that i go with him today so that we could catch up on each other's lives. i agreed. but then he decided to go to manila instead. bummer.
 
i read annuel's message. for the third time, i fell asleep while texting her. very ungentlemanly. but i smiled cos i know that she'd smile about it too. because it's not insulting, it was on the contrary, quite funny.
 
i woke and looked at your face
gentle firefly...
a smile glided from cheek to cheek
reviving me instantly..warmth
the sight was delightful..
pleasant..
comforting...
it was lovely, you are lovely...
how i long to touch your face
while in slumber
like a cloud...a pure, white cloud
your hand on my hair
a sweet gesture...how you surprise me...
i'll wait..
i'll wait for that day...
to touch your gentle face firefly...
i'll wait...
i'll wait for that day...
to cherish your warm embrace...
flutter now..
flutter bright...
my little firefly...
flutter bright...
*sigh* 
 

OH well...apparently nothing...
 
one of my favorite lines from A Perfect Circle's song entitled Three Libras. Iv just recently read it's lyrics.  It was as usual a little bit confusing, much like EAP (ed allan poe) poems.  it boggles me but then yesterday and just now it hit me again. it's hard when people don't seem to listen, when people don't seem to care. it's depressing to be ignored. when ur feelings dont seem to matter. iv always hated the feeling...
 
bullies.
parents are bullies. a lot of times, parents push their kids into a corner and threaten them with odd punishment and reduced allowances. i remember one time when i felt like a cookie in front of em. why a cookie? cos i felt like a cookie inside a cookie jar. no place to go. no mind. no ability to speak. waiting to be devoured by my own self pity. it sucks.
 
every family has its turmoils and misunderstandings. iv always silently thanked God for my own family. although it isn't perfect, somehow my parents have shown that they respect me. they make me believe that i am someone. and that matters. it matters a lot. it's sad because there are kids who are more worthy to have a family like mine. sometimes i feel really guilty...
 
iv always hated bully parents. i remember esca. his dad was a fuckin moron. a man so obsessed about his son's safety that he'd strap him in a straight jacket, cover his son's face and lock him up in the basement stockroom if all this weren't illegal. a fuckin paranoid faggot. i love my father. iv always wished esca did too. and i know that he does, but to what extent and degree, i dont know. i dont even think he'd ever forgive his dad for being a jerk. weltsh, he's a good guy. intelligent, brilliant, has his own set of principles, sensitive to others, trustworthy friend (i mean it), and a soft spoken listener. i reckon that he's always been a listener. its amazing how he keeps it up. iv always answered back, and slapped in the face for even attempting. but at least i got my points through...but always, i would reflect on what i said after the storm passes and i'd eventually realize that somehow, i too was narrow-minded. i hate hearing good guys being pushed down. if his oppressors only knew how difficult it is to shut up when you know that you didnt do anything bad, they probably throw theirselves down on their knees and beg for forgiveness. fuck it i hate this. sometimes iv been tempted to call a friend's parents just to shout at them. "hoy ipapaalam ko lang ho sa inyo na MABUTING TAO ung ANAK nyo. baka ho kase kayo na lang ang hindi nakakaalam." i remember ernest, he cried in front of me because he lost his wallet. shallow i know. but he cried because he lost something that was given to him by his mom. i then implied that his mom means the world to him. he cried because he didnt want to disappoint her. but then, how many times have they disappointed us? i remember ed, he was a model kid in our inner circle. he always loved his parents, and his parents loved him back. i was shocked when he said something like, "buti ka nga e, hindi mo kelangan magpaka-GOOD boy kase kilala ka ng parents mo dahil kasama mo sila buong buhay mo. ako, baka nga hindi nila ko kilala kase buong buhay ko nasa ibang bansa sila...baka madisappoint sila sakin" Grrr.....
 
i dont know how to end this post. iv always had a hard time giving advice when it comes to family matters. its hard to tell a person being oppressed to just hang on.  it would be like telling a beaten boxer to still enter the ring even if he's already sweating blood. it would be a massacre.  So i'll say this, to every kid out there who's being bullied by their parents, pray for strength. pray that you'd endure your situation. pray for guidance. just pray. at least HE will always listen,listen as you always have, and never say anything back. no arguments. just Love.
 
-out

let's play a game..i'll write, then you'll read. first thought that comes to mind, no editing, no scripts, just a runthrough....
1..2...3....
 
yesterday. why write about yesterday? well why not  write about it?! it was FUN! it was a wake up call! yesterday, i was ALIVE! i saw her...im lost for words. and being speechless is hardly anything that i am. we went to this expo stuff. it was interesting. she was beautiful. glancing. i was always stealing glances. chances to stare at her angelic face...it was a sight...*sigh* all i could do was sigh. i panicked at first, seeing her again after so long. she was different. a lot more mature, mature, not old. she looked like a freshman, i was awestruck...one remarkable thing, no dull moments. a few silent breaks, but no dull moments. it was exceptional. she was always amusing, always smiling, i sensed her confidence, the way she would stare back at me. it was striking, and comforting at the same time... bliss... it was casual, the date was casual. we laughed almost all the time. i remember standing there by the railing, looking at kids skating. i remember looking at her face, so simple yet full of grace...*sigh* i remember the bookstore, we read kid stories, i bought a book, we simply talked and looked and i felt comfortable. i felt secure. i rested my head on her shoulder and everything felt RIGHT. *sigh* i remember the couch, the cheesecake store couch. it was comfortable and soft. she rested, nestled with me..it was indescribable...she looked at me and smiled...i was melting...right there and then....i melted...*sigh* i remember the cinema area, i asked to escort her, like our first dance together, walking, holding each other's hand...*sigh* then i melted...i remember walking toward the trains...savoring each moment, wanting it to last forever...wishing that the day wont end...it was sad..i melted...we embraced, nearly hugged, i wish we had, it would have deifinitely felt warm an unforgetable hug at that...*sigh* she melts me...a thought of her melts me...her face melts me...if i was an ice cube before, im definitely a puddle of water now...i wish i could be with her....i wish i had been with her back then....i wish i could be with her someday...i wish we'd eventually be...*sigh* im scared....of many things...but more than anything else, im scared to hurt and get hurt....im scared to commit...but i want to commit....i want to....but i guess i'll let time do its thing now...but more than anything again...i wish we could wait...
 
*sigh*
*deep breath*
-out

little firefly flutter bright
in you i see a spark of life
through you i felt the sun's kiss warm
through you i felt the ocean's calm


like a gentle breeze
you comfort the dreary
like the swaying trees
you appease the weary


a simple glance displays such grace
with a single touch, all sadness fades
a smile creates a thousand thoughts
each is a gem, treasured and sought


o little firefly I wish you knew
how i long to always keep you
but only time can tell when we're ready
i hope by then, Im already worthy


o sandman grant me this delight
i wish to see her face tonight
a radiant image, pure and white
my little firefly fluttering bright


i can never thank you enough... 

its raining. bolts of lightning and claps of thunder are raging about in the sky. such simple things. just electrons...unstable ones. sometimes i wonder what it would feel like. being so displaced that you just explode into bursts of electric energy. I guess that would be really...painful. Whenever it rains, i feel kinda gloomy. i remember the time when our lil family would huddle together inside the master's bedroom during a thunderstorm. Mom would go and make some arroz caldo or better yet, some champorado and we'd eat it while remaining wrapped in bedsheets and blankets. Ate mai would always cry when a loud thunderclap hurt her ears. I wasn't as scared though. I was more afraid that the electricity would be cut. I never slept during a thunderstorm. Iv always had this fear of waking up alone. waking up and seeing no one, waking up and seeing only shadows. I always hated waking up alone. I was a fraidycat. Now im not as scared. my concerns have changed. now i worry about how to get home from this place when it rains. i miss being a kid....being able to just go and hug dad whenever im scared...being comforted by my mom whenever im sad or hurt...i miss waking up feeling happy and secure...

but i think i'll get by...i always have...
and im thankful for it...

well this is new...
a happy thought...

wahahaha! i caught one silly sneaky stupid amateur bastard who was trying to ruin MPORT today. the dumbass made up a dumber alibi. good thing i watched silence of the lambs. i checked every detail, from IP addresses to post times and dates. stupid kid. it feels good to catch someone as stupid as that kid. anyway, good prevails! wahahaha! dumbass kid. he doesn't deserve to be called a maristian. dumbass.

tsk tsk tsk...

-out!

in a corner i sit, waiting...waiting...waiting...
basking in its dim atmosphere
windows closed, curtains hanging...
lights out...
vision is limited to only a few armlengths
blurry...
there is no comfort here...
should i stay? should i sit in this corner still?
im not helpless, im simply...tired
strands of light dancing, siwrling, as i sit watching...
motion under my bed...panic
no monster...no monsters under my bed...
so i remain...i remain sitting...
sitting in my corner...
waiting...watching...rotting...
will they ever see me?
when will they find me?

me and my dead body...

yesterday was amusing. i was writing about how good my former relationship was before all the torment began...i was trying VERY HARD to remember the happy memories. At first i couldn't remember a thing! then it hit me. laughter. i always remembered laughter. specially the first time we broke up. we laughed about many things that night. we laughed while we cried. it was bizaare and sad. anyway, back to yesterday...i was quite puzzled that rem wasn't writing. eventually he said that the server was down and that we wouldn't be able to save what we were trying to post. haha! what a day! it just wasn't intended by fate! all the fun memories, the laughter, everything good wasn't even given the chance to be known. now THAT is poetic justice.

-out!

Its Over
urbandub

now I know the truth about you
found out the hard way
you've been lying to me the whole time
but it's ok...
i almost cried...

now i'm glad it's done, you and me..
i'm moving on..
you can take your dagger off my back

for now, i'm alright
but now that we're thru
i'd like to say to you...

it's over...

i've changed a lot since you've been gone
it's all sublime...
i'm not so trusting anymore
so thanks a lot

for now, i'm alright
but now that we're thru
i'd like to say to you...

it's over...

here lies the last two stanzas of my literary hero's THE RAVEN...

Edgar Allan Poe
.....

"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting --
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! -- quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!
Quoth the Raven,

Nevermore....

And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor,
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted

Nevermore.....

a high-pitched feedback..
no follow up...
no origin...
no objective...
nothing.

it feels different. eerie...haunting...
so annoyingly....happy.
its uncomfortable and definitely disturbing. somehow i enjoy it, but mostly i resent it. a mystery...dark and unique. a mist of thoughts. the hand is guided by impulse...nothing can be found in this state.
hollow....
bare....
strange....

depression...madness...weakness...

another feedback pierces...
shattered glass...
blood stains on broken reflections...
a faint smile forms...
warmth...


this wasnt part of the plan. a twist of fate. a raven crows...and the soul seeks eternal solace...but eternal punishment finds it instead...

no one to blame...

... and then regret....


[ctrl-z] hush.....

darkspoticallyemphaticarrionfeeders- dark yellow spots found on computer shop ceilings

gwarkygarganucidalame - vommit that was supposed to come out. unfortunately, you sallowed it back.

silibumbumcarambashint ogenepsychokiliphant - an elephant so engrossed by its own self pitying that he decides to dance and shout amen.

argaragrarrigragraar rigaragarinagarigariful - very very angry

hey do something productive with your life man!
tsk tsk...

decisions..decisions...


today is a sad day. watching the news i was shocked to hear about the situation of a filipino in iraqi soil.he is being held hostage as i type this blog. like most filipinos, i too am hoping for a miracle. i am hoping that angelo dela cruz would be set free. i too am hoping that gloria would be guided to a wise decision. it is during this time that we will be able to see her strength as a leader. understand her dilemma, on one hand she holds angelo's life, on the other she holds the safety and integrity of our country. to some, it seems so easy to just yield to the terrorists to save angelo's life, but to a president, that decision may prove to be deadly. if she yields to terrorists, i cant even imagine waking up still feeling safe. if she chooses angelo's life, she would be endangering all filipinos. our country would become easy prey to terrorism (as if all the present terrorism issues weren't enough) and we might end up as the next iraq. it was obvious that GMA tried to calm the people down by having someone say that angelo has been released (of course i am assuming that she made this up. note:i dont blame her for doing it). realizing her dilemma, i will never, ever blame gloria if angelo died. why? because she simply had no power over angelo's fate. i dont think that he would be released after our troops have been sent home, and i think the president knows this too. the terrorists are playing games and no government EVER plays with terrorists.


so as untimely as it seems, i pray for many things.
first, i pray for guidance. i pray that GMA be granted wisdom to decide
what is best not only for one man, but for the whole country.
i also pray for angelo's family, that they may be strong and that they become more open minded about the whole situation.
i pray also for everyone involved, that they may become ready for the consequences that their decisions would bring.
i pray for the terrorists, that their humanity overpower their evil intentions.
i pray for those who are also praying, that they be given more energy and faith.
and finally, i pray for angelo, that he may be safe and that his faith be strong and unyielding, and if worst comes to worst,
i pray that his soul rest forever in God's grace.


amen

elephants and giraffes are big land animals.
tofu and pork dont taste good without soy sauce.
i wish i had a lot of plumbing tools
can you give me a word that rhymes with orange?
draw one less if you dont have two lands.
the bottom, the end, the needle passing
keywords, words acting as keys. nevermind.
my pen hates paper but it loves my pocket.
my pocket hates the patch but he has no choice.
and freedom is spelled with two e's
not with one e. using nothing but nothing
sensibility snes silbling syllables sex
how can you see me if u are in a war?
speaking of wars, why does it rhyme with hours?
building a building by using built-in building builds
boating without sails and snails are sticky.
gooey and jellateenie weenie bonesplitters.
how does that song go again?
lalalalalavroom-the magic dragon
nothing more nothing less
precisely definitely accurately curtly dead eye centered
for my debt, death, an ample payment
say...
grrrr........

its a blur. everything is a blur. today was different.today was weird.well in any case, it wasn't ordinary.
i remember waking up today seeing "5 messages" in my cellphone and a missed call icon on the upper right (or left - i didnt really notice and if i did i wouldn't have taken note of it too) of it's screen.
initial reaction: wow! five f*ckin messages at 3am! someone must be in an emergency to have sent so many messages. anyway, i ignored it. im a big procrastination fan and besides, my eyes still hurt. to my utmost astonishment (not to mention disappointment) it wasn't from annuel or from fuschia (i still commend rem for this nickname), it was *gulp* from ten. anyway, i could care less about the content but it irritated me just the same (although a part of me actually let out a small smile-just a twitch near the cheek). it said something mushy. something about regretting what happened. oh yeah as if i would actually believe that she meant it. wahaha. [sarcasm] i couldve just let it pass like the other times but i think i was actually bothered this time. curiousity, i think, is the most probable reason why i replied to her. i think a part of me wanted to see if anything had changed. i wanted to know if i could trust her again. i wanted to know if i could last a minute without getting irritated. i wanted to see if a scar had formed over the wound. alas, no scars. it bled. it bled because of disappointment.

a few tips

first, you SHOULD reply if you were the one who happens to have sent the first message

second, dont talk f*ckin nonsense.

third, dont pretend to be a news anchor. i dont need updates on other people's lives.

fourth, be sensitive to the way the message was written.

avoid feeling too comfortable because it makes me uncomfortable,
got it? get it? good.
shit. i didnt wanna do this. seriously. i hate feeling this way, specially about someone who played a huge and important role in my life (once). this makes me sick. grr.is this just another one of your f*ckin games? damn you. someone help...

the feeling is indescribable. indefinite. irritating.
i wish you'd stop. ur efforts are pointless and insignificant.
what do you think ur doing? ur just causing confusion and irritation.
this is not fair.
i dont give a damn about you anymore so just f*ck off.
what's the point of trying to renew?
i dont want it.
i reject it.
i hate it.
sometimes i wish u would just leave me alone.
i dont know how i should react to you.
i dont know you.
i feel the urge to shun you away.
but a part of me hinders. maybe you DO deserve a better judgment.
nah. you don't.
and so i'll say this once again...f*ck off.
but then again, flashes. i see flashes of the times.
its comforting, so long as I remember it.
so long as MY MIND dictates the feeling.
so long as you aren't the one reminding me of it.
i'm starting to find comfort in other people.
LIKE WHAT YOU DID.
your actions were rash, uncalled for, unfair. not to mention STUPID.
it brought you ruin. and then you rubbed it all on me.
at one point you almost fooled me, i thought i was the one to blame.
ha! it was brilliant. a mind trap. a cover for your own GUILT!

bitch.

how i wish you'd change for the better. get over it.
f*ckin get a life. seriously. get one.

clarification: im not mad. no. anger is over. but resentment lingers.
dont flatter urself. ur NOTHING to me now. just a sad memory.

but one thing..i miss her. the person i knew way back.
not you. i dont even think about you.i dont know you. bring her back.
then we'll talk..

eureka!
iv f*ckin' got it!
i hope you dont get it.

bloodpuswatermellojellojuice - a really disgusting cocktail drink


talakumbrackinumsen - its a psychedelic color which is roughly 70%white, 3.98712% pinkishblue & all the rest is blackish yellow.


tarataratartaratarrusitartaris - disease caused by worrying too much about ur hair color


palpitatricalendart - a calendar which tells you the date by shooting deadly darts at your eyes causing u to palpitate.


inawayimisser - a realization about something that you wish you could forget but somehow it doesn't want to be forgotten


draconispsychogenicaladryladon - a dinosaur that kills its prey by giving it a huge, irritating, red rash due to sarcasm.


dontiyoohabenitingelstoduu - a person who doesn't have anything better to do with his/her life so he/she reads stupid blog articles instead. (ouch)


next time will feel even better...

skullcage.
4 - at the beginning of each opponent's upkeep, Skullcage deals 2 damage to that player unless he or she has exactly three or exactly four cards in hand.

a feeling of guilt as i force myself to create.
no acceleration. dragging thoughts to the finish line.
this is an abomination. a perversion.

a....fuck. what am i saying. its hopeless. i'll redeem myself tomorrow. i cant write tonight. (wow! what a rhyme!)

good night, and may demons feed on your pathetic soul tonight.

washeesheebunggalow

i really need a guestbook. damned internet. its starting to get really addicting. today was quite fine. no hassles. it was routinish (huh?!).

the day started with filipino. boring i know. the foxy prof got quite mad because of the kids in the class. the fools dont even know how to "act" mature. damned kids. i think the prof was kinda rattled in a way because she never expected college students to act that way. tsk tsk. next..

analytic geometry. today we learned about ellipses. oh brother. need i say more?

5 hr break. the college scheduling system is on a one way ticket trip to hell. and this is the effect. 5 hrs of boring magic fun. anyway, no one beat me so i guess it was ok.

comarts 1. i made a crossword puzzle assignment in 5 mins. how cool was that? actually it was crappy. i wasn't even proud of it.

typical day. its revolting. argargaraaaraar! (huh?!)

shit. stupid connection. its like an old faggot sex freak who cant keep his fuckin small dick erect for 2.3 seconds straight. shit. it's irritating. this is the sort of thing that you dont want to happen specially if your only goal is to log on to on site just to read one article. now this is one of those minor hells. time check->10:53am.

iv got no classes today. when i woke up, i instinctively looked at my phone and saw 2 messages waiting at my bedside. one was from a friend of mine and for confidentiality reasons, im gonna keep the details to myself.

the other one was from a girl named annuel (if you dont get this, check out the "links" part of my blog for clues. anyway, she left this message: "good morning alex =D, take care of yourself today =D" aw...how sweet was that! :D well it definitely made me smile :D it was flattering to have received a message like that. kinda makes you feel important, it makes you feel like someone knows and remembers you. its ironic cos iv known her for only 1 semester, she was a classmate of mine in 2 minor subject, humanities and PE (see how minor they are?). and she was always jolly..always finding time to critique me in a joking manner. it was fun. she was a fun girl.

i kinda regret not spending much time with her. one time we talked (txt), & the chat evolved into a serious conversation about life and love and finding the one. it was cool cos i really miss talking about a serious topic with a girl. then the most surprising (and sweet) thing happened, SHE CALLED! and then...PANIC! :D anyway, i made her laugh and then we talked (it was embarrasing cos we were spending her load!)

anyway, this turned out to be a long post about sweet things and such. i know this is out of "theme" in my blogs, but who cares anyway? unless you want me to send god's wrath upon you. i thought so.

-out

i think im suffering from the "toofewfriends" syndrome. i really think i should try and reach out to people more. its not like im a freak or something like that. its just that, i cant seem to find the right people (or they cant find me). im such a whiner sometimes. arg. but its true and its sad. i knew someone back in the day. a girl from a school near mine. she was witty and smart and full of ideas. the best part was that she never seemed to have any hesitations. i was awed by her confidence. it was a one of a kind experience. talking till dawn about her views on life, drugs, pain, dying, sex (yep, she talked about this with me and miraculously, there was no hint of malice), pregnant kids, kids born by their kid moms, finding the right person, being wacky, sleeping, not sleeping, just about anything under the sun. no topic was safe. and she was enlightening. very vibrant. i want to know more people who are like her. but it seems weird going about my life looking for them. i dont want to conduct a search, i want to to find em "accidentally" confusing...where do i begin? oh well...

and to my surprise, no words dart at me after arriving late. again. it has been a debated issue in the household for quite some time. but tonight was different. and it was sad. a child was lost...and all i could think about was redesigning my blog.shame on me.i could've had a new niece or a nephew. that kid might have been my favorite, a kid who couldve been really nice and spunky, someone who'd grow up to be rebellious at first but very dignified after maturity kicks in. it was painful. i cant help but feel depressed. sometimes the thought of being tested by god crosses my mind. i can only wonder if this is one of those tests. no one really knows for sure, but one thing is certain, that this too will pass. iv always had trouble with goodbyes. and iv always questioned my faith, but during these times i strive to triumph. i strive to comprehend what i could never understand. but in the end i could only hope and pray for his/her soul. that he/she finds peace in god's grace. during these times, i call on him and he answers...

and i will forever be greatful...

weird...

demons, burning flames (redundant isn't it?), a black book of random thoughts, and tons of creativity paid off.

how? an exemption. confused?

anyway, it was great. talking about hell exempted me from an exam. quite straightforward.

but seriously, what is hell? i talked about it for quite a while earlier today. it seemed like i was an authority on the subject, but i wasnt. and the best part was having people applauding me for talking about a topic with no basis. it was a total ego boost.

and i instantly became example of the day.

hell is everything. everything painful, sad, depressing, obnoxious, unimaginably irritating, agitating, intolerable, indescribable.

its a lot of fire. and heat. and evil. pain. suffering. death. oddities. weirdness. its a thought.

think about it. being a pathetic person with nothing to live for and no principles to live by is hell. its a pity. but no one can really know for sure where he is. its strange, bothering, and quite interesting in a morbid sort of way.

when i die i want to see it. i want to pass through hell before going to purgatory (cos i really think that's the place i ought to be, but heaven is quite alright too)

i envy dante. he was a no one. he fell in love with a girl bound for heaven. he was escorted by his lifetime idol (virgil), he saw hell, got to kick some evil soul ass,went through purgatory and eventually ended up in heaven! how cool is that?!

if that happened to me it would probably be something like this,,,

id die of boredom, then edgar allan poe would guide me through hell. id kick some evil dead popes ass, then id take photos of some cool looking demons, rock on with lil nicky, view the fight club level of hell, then id go through purgatory and help some souls in their repentance. then id enter heaven. somethings missing. i dont have a love interest. oh no. oh well. once in heaven, id audition in the band, it would be cool to rock with some heavenly rock bands. maybe akroma's there.

anyway, this is starting to become a novel.

so...

-out

alas, the end is near...

and the hardest part was swallowing pride.

a huge storm, a frozen mind.

eloquence.

clouds were dispersed as lands expand into a multitude.
uncontrollable.

crucibles and stones were disregarded...

monstrosities discarded, angels banished...

it was hell.

falling prey to such a simple trap.

persecute why have you forsaken me?

a...enough poetry..

a loss is a loss..

there's always next time.


-out

another day nears its end. time flew as usual. here i am in my haven. the words "freedom fighters" stare back at me. urging me to write.

so i begin....

today i fought valiantly with dragons, decimated robotic guardians, summoned clouds of deadly insects, sought the wrath of higher beings, summoned bizarre entities to my aid, raced to free an angel and her vengeance, today i played.

magic.

this wasn't supposed to be about that.

oh well.

today was pretty interesting. fighting dragons was really rewarding. imagine six dragons, all aiming their fiery mouths at your skull, dying because of a huge holy explosion that could only be conjured with the help of gods. spectacular.

nothing much to say,than you're high above the mucky muck...

oh well.

i hate being cut. iv been reconnecting for a while now. the sickest thing was that after a few minutes, id be cut again. it a bitch.

sleep calls. should i answer? maybe later, or never.

post.

in a heartbeat, a second passes.
in a clock hand's turn, a minute.
time is elusive.
time is slippery.

and based on experience, i seem to have lots of it.

time is stupid.
its as abundant as street kids when you need it the least and as scarce as a piece of blank paper when a random thought arises.

what a waste of time.

its ironic that im writing about time. why? im writing about time because iv got so much of it right now, and iv got nothing else to do. but, typing this post consumes my time which, by the way, is the primary reason for me to write. circular. confused?

a, my grammar is a mess. a bell rings. logout logout

-till another time comes.

-out

stress. it gives a whole new color on things. its a catalyst, an irritant. capital letters. random. uncertain. read aloud and never stop. then it hits you. confused?

output. an output is an object that relieves stress. its an escape. a drug. a necessity. a dent on the road, ants on your bed. confused?

a blog is an output. a hobby is an output. a thought is an output. i think. then what? never felt better. random. uncertain. confused?

a mind is a container. and mine is a teaspoon away from overflowing. thus, stress. then a release of tension. then a build up. panic. random. uncertain. confused?

confused? well so am i. this is a first. a new frontier. let us not read. no, we must READ. read with intelligence, read with an open mind. i motivate, and i am alive. don't be confused.

and then it ends. random. uncertain. confused?

it ends with a dot. a simple dot. this dot --> .